LAUGHING GAS
by phantomoftheopera111
Summary: Story 31. A sore tooth lead Harley to the dentist. That leads to more confessions than she probably wants let known. That leads to drama... of the humorous type.


I feel like it's been awhile since I've posted a story, so here we go!

Sorry if you don't understand some of the things in this story. They might have been explained in an earlier story.

Hope you enjoy it none-the-less.

* * *

LAUGHING GAS

* * *

Harley picked up the Hershey's bar and winced.

Selina looked up, "You ok?"

"No. My teeth have been really hurting."

Ivy walked out into the living room and sat down next to Harley, "If you have to get a root canal I get to say 'I said so'."

Harley moped.

Selina sighed, "Ivy maybe you should take her to the dentist."

"Why can't you?"

"Bruce is taking me out," Selina grinned.

"Whatever. Let me call someone," Ivy got up and walked down the hallway.

Harley whined and sat back into the recliner, 'I don't want to go."

"When was the last time you went to the dentist?" Selina asked.

"A few years ago…"

Selina stared at her, saying nothing.

"What?" Harley asked.

Selina still said nothing.

Ivy walked back down, "Harvey is getting us an appointment with his cousin."

"Damn it," Harley whined.

Ivy picked up and her and grabbed the Porsche's keys.

"Harvey's gonna kill you when he finds out you are taking the Porsche," Selina sighed.

"Hey Harvey!" Ivy yelled down the hallway, "I'm taking the Porsche!"

"Be careful please!" Harvey whined.

Ivy sighed and picked Harley up, "Let's go."

Selina grinned from the couch, "Have fun!"

Harley stuck her tongue at her.

Ivy laughed, "See you tomorrow Kitty."

"Ok, bye."

Ivy and Harley walked down the hallway, stairs, and out of the apartment building. They walked down the street to the private parking lot.

Ivy opened the Porsche and sat in the driver's seat. Harley moped and sat in the passenger's seat.

"Don't look so sad Harl," Ivy sighed.

"I don't want to go."

"It'll be fun. Elsie is very nice."

"Bleh."

"Fine," Ivy started up the car and turned on the radio.

Harley sat back in her seat and looked out the window, frowning.

* * *

Ivy pulled into the parking lot and got out. Harley uncrossed her arms and got out the other side.

"Let's go," Ivy smiled.

Ivy opened the door and let Harley in first.

Sara was sitting at the desk, "Hi Ivy."

"Hi Sara."

Elsie ran out from the back room and threw her arms around Ivy.

Ivy smiled and hugged her back, "How are you?"

"Great! And you?"

"Good, this is Harley, Harley this is Elsie."

Harley gave her a half smile.

"She is not happy about coming to the dentist," Ivy explained.

"Ah," Elsie nodded, "Ok Harley, come on back. Pam if you want to come with us you can."

"Nah, I'll go wait in the waiting room."

Elsie smiled, "Ok. Come with me Harley."

Harley whined and looked at Ivy. Ivy rolled her eyes and shooed her off. Harley followed Elsie in the room.

"Go ahead and take a seat at the chair."

Harley sat down. Elsie put the napkin around Harley's neck and slipped on her gloves. Harley opened her mouth. Elsie pulled a straight probe from the tray and poked around Harley's mouth.

"I think I know which one is giving you pain," Elsie sighed and poked the tooth.

Harley let out a yelp.

"Yep. I'm sorry you are gonna need a root canal."

Harley turned pale and began to sweat.

"It's ok, you won't feel anything. I have laughing gas."

Harley smirked, "Ok."

Elsie scooted around on her chair collecting her materials and grabbed the laughing gas.

"You ready?" Elsie asked.

"Yeah…" Harley mumbled.

Elsie placed the mask over Harley's mouth, "Breath deeply."

Harley inhaled deeply and sighed.

After a few minutes Elsie took the mask off, "How do you feel?"

Harley giggled, "I feel like noodles!"

Elsie looked at her, concerned, "Alright then."

"We gonna get this on?"

Elsie smiled, "Yes."

Harley tapped her foot as Elsie worked on her mouth, she couldn't feel a thing.

"Ya know who has a nice ass?" Harley asked.

"Who?"

"Harvey."

"Wait, my cousin Harvey has a nice ass?"

"Yes. His ass is so sweet. I want to take a bite out of it."

"Oh dear…" Elsie laughed.

"It is so firm. And nice."

Elsie laughed again, "What else?"

"His ass is like Superman. Hard rock steel."

Elsie giggled, "Wow."

"Yeah, did you know that your cousin is a total woman?"

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah. He paints his toenails and shaves his legs."

Elsie laughed, "I always thought he was such a man."

"So did I. But damn he is hot! Oh my God. Have you ever seen his body?"

"A few years back when we went swimming."

"Damn. His abs are like rock hard."

Elsie laughed, "I don't really think of my cousin this way."

"Oh you should. I want his kids."

"Does Ivy know this?"

"Nah. I didn't even know this!"

"Oh."

"Ya know what?"

"No I don't what?"

"I could smack Harvey's ass all night long!"

Elsie laughed, "Wow Harley!"

* * *

Ivy looked up from the smutty magazine she was reading. They've been in there for almost an hour Ivy thought to herself.

Elsie had her arm supporting Harley. Harley was limping.

"What's wrong Harley?" Ivy asked.

"I feel like… WOO!" Harley giggled.

"I gave her laughing gas to release the pain. She'll be like this for awhile."

"Great," Ivy muttered.

"Your friend is very open. I like her," Elsie grinned.

Ivy laughed, "Yeah she is wonderful."

Harley looked at Ivy, "Hey! I know you!"

"Yeah, alright well we should get going," Ivy sighed taking Harley from Elsie.

"Say hi and bye to Harvey and Jonathan from me," Elsie smiled.

"You should come get drunk with us sometime," Harley grinned.

"I would like that."

"Then it's settled! I get the dog and you can have the toothpaste."

Ivy raised an eyebrow, "Ok then… I'll call you later Elsie."

"Please do. I need to know if she gets better."

"I do hope so."

Harley jumped ahead of Ivy and ran to the car, "I call window seat!"

Harley ripped the door open and slammed it into the curb and fence.

Ivy felt her stomach drop. She walked over to the side of the door and clutched against the fence. There was now a huge dent in Harvey's car.

"Oh shit… Oh shit, shit, shit!" Ivy groaned.

Harley looked at her and slid into the seat, she buckled herself in.

Ivy put her hand over her mouth, "Harley. Harvey is going to kill me."

"Let's go, Red! I want to go home and lick a battery! They said it tingles!"

Ivy whimpered and got into the car, she tried to think of ways for Harvey not to kill her.

"Hey, Red?"

"What now, Harley?" Ivy asked starting the car.

"Harvey has a drop dead body."

"What!"

"I would totally do him!"

"W-what!"

"Yeah. His body makes me tingle. I would totally let him be on top if he wanted."

Ivy gripped the steering wheel, "That better be the laughing gas speaking."

Harley giggled and pulled the level on the seat to make her seat go back. Harley thumped down to the ground, "RED! Help me!"

Ivy rolled her eyes, "Really, Harley?"

"I can't get up!"

"Just sit there."

"I'm stuck!" Harley smiled and propped her feet up on the dashboard, she leaned back and Ivy heard a rip

"Oh shit," Ivy swore, she looked at the hole in Harvey's black leather seats, "He's gonna kill me."

"Not if he loves you."

"Harley, be quiet. Just sit there."

Harley grumbled and crossed her arms, "Hey, Red…"

"What now?"

"Harvey has a nice ass."

Ivy growled and kept driving.

"Hey, Red?"

"What."

"I have something I need to confess."

"What now?"

"Remember when you left your house?"

"No…"

"Well I got wasted and gave Ivan a lap dance."

"YOU DID WHAT!" Ivy screamed.

"Yeah. He looked like he was enjoying it too!"

"How the hell did that even work?"

"Well, I grabbed some of my lingerie and drained the fridge. Then I went into the laundry room and licked Ivan's stem, then I wrapped my legs around his steam and gave him a dance."

"Oh shit, Harley!"

"Do you remember when you were in Seattle? Well Harvey went out to go get drunk and me and Mista J had sex in every room of your guys' house twice!"

Ivy winced.

"And we never cleaned up."

Ivy groaned, "Oh God…"

"Remember when Selina was wondering who ripped her new red panties? Well I was breaking them in with Mista J and he got… a little too eager."

Ivy stared at Harley, "You have got to be kidding me."

"Have you ever had sex at the Iceberg?"

"Yeah," Ivy mumbled.

"Well me and Puddin' did it on top of Ozzie in his office."

Ivy's features turned into disgust, "How?"

"We knocked him out then I took off my pants and panties then jumped up on the desk, then Mista J he took off his pants and boxers and got on top of-"

"WOAH, HARLEY! I did not mean that! That was WAY too much!"

"It was fun," Harley giggled, "Holy shit! We just hit a panda!"

"What!"

"Yeah! He was trying to cross the road and you hit him! Red, why'd you do that?"

"Harley… be quiet."

"Remember that night at the Iceberg when I said you looked hot? Well your ass looked really fat."

Ivy snarled and kept quiet.

"Hey, Red, do my boobs look mismatched?" Harley asked.

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I am pretty sure."

Harley rolled down her window and leaned out, "Hey you! Do my boobs look funky?"

Ivy pulled Harley back into the car and rolled up the window, "Sit down and shut up."

"Fine. Guess what!"

"What?"

"Me and Mista J did it in the back of this car."

Ivy shuddered, "No."

"Yeah. It was awesome."

Ivy groaned, "When?"

"New Year's party. Jack took Harvey's keys."

"Oh dear Lord…"

"I think grape flavored edible panties don't taste that good. I mean what's the point? You put them on, they hurt like a son of a bitch trying to rip them off, and they taste like a Fruit Roll-Up. You use them and believe me; you do NOT want to use them afterwards. That is just gross. Sometimes I just buy a box to eat them."

Ivy laughed, "Oh God! Shut up!"

"I mean: meow! Kitty's boobs are HUGE!"

Ivy laughed, "Yeah they are pretty big."

"No I mean if Kitty fell backwards and landed on me I'd die of suffocation! If she turned around real fast the world would shift because of the gravity on her boobs! If she fell forward her boobs would cause an earthquake!"

Ivy laughed even harder, "You better get this all out before Selina hears you."

"Psha. Remember when you came home one night and all your makeup was on the ground?"

"Yeah, those damn cats, I had to go buy new stuff."

"Wasn't the cats. I was drunk."

Ivy frowned, "Seriously."

"Yeppers! Remember the time a few of your plants died? Yeah. Those were the ones I didn't water because I forgot."

"Harley… you have your negatives and positives to you."

"One night I was bored so I tried on every piece of your lingerie."

"Oh ew!"

"And I didn't wash them…"

Ivy gasped, "Oh shit!"

"I looked cute in the green one with black lace."

"Oh dear Lord."

"When I get bored in the shower I smell Harvey's deodorant."

"Something is wrong with you."

"If you don't want to have Harvey's kids I'll do it!"

Ivy rolled her eyes.

"One night I had a dream that me and Harvey were in the shower together."

Ivy stuck one hand over Harley's mouth, "That is enough."

* * *

Harvey was sitting on the floor flipping through Jonathan's phone, "Have you guys had sex yet?"

Jonathan rolled his eyes and sat back into the chair.

Jack was hanging off the couch, "I'm bored.

"Good for you," Jonathan muttered.

Jack got up and picked up Jonathan's coat, "Hey, Harvey, remember in high school when I was kidding around with you saying when you die I was gonna search your pockets and probably pull out a condom?"

Harvey grinned, "Yeah."

"It'd be cool if I found one in here."

"Like you'd find one," Harvey snickered.

Jack searched inside Jonathan's pockets and his face went white.

"Jack? You ok?" Harvey asked.

Jack pulled out a condom.

Harvey burst out laughing, "Oh my God! Now that is too funny!"

Jonathan jumped up and ran for his coat.

Jack threw the condom to Harvey.

Harvey caught it, "Ya know I have never actually read the instructions on these things."

Jonathan growled and dove for the object.

Jack laughed and caught it when Harvey threw it to him, "That is very dangerous Harvey Dent! I am surprised you don't have kids!"

Harvey caught it again; Jonathan sat down on the floor and moped.

"I don't need to; Ivy said she's on the pill."

"So you are going to believe her?" Jack asked.

"Yeah."

Jonathan sighed, "Can I have that back?"

Harvey handed him the condom; Jonathan slipped it into his pocket.

"So…" Jack began sitting down next to Jonathan, "Who? When? Where? Why?"

"Cosette. A few nights ago. In my bed. We wanted to."

"Sweet," Jack muttered.

Jonathan growled.

"Well congratulations, Jonathan," Harvey grinned.

Jack got up and walked to the window, "Oh damn!"

"What's up?" Harvey asked.

"There is this car outside with a huge dent! I feel bad for those losers! That is gonna cost them a hell of a lot of money! What idiots."

Harvey looked over, "What kind of car is it?"

Jack fell silent.

"Jack?"

"Hey Harvey, what is your license plate?"

Harvey jumped up and ran to the window. He gripped onto the window sills and felt like he had been punched in his stomach.

"Oh God…" Harvey cried.

Jonathan got up and looked at the once perfect Porsche. Harvey ripped open the door and fled down the steps and onto the street. Jack and Jonathan followed.

Ivy growled and ripped open the car door. She stormed out and ran into Harvey.

"Wh-wh- wha- WHAT THE ƒυĊк HAPPENED TO MY CAR?"

Ivy stood up, "I should be asking you what the hell you've been doing with Harley!"

"MY CAR!"

"Oh shut up!"

Harvey grabbed his head with his hands and walked over to his car.

Harley kicked open the door causing a piece of the window to fall out.

Harvey collapsed to his knees, "No…"

Harley got out and snaked an arm up the back of her shirt, she wiggled a bit and took off her bra, and she walked over to Jonathan, "I want you to have this when you get lonely."

Jonathan raised his eyebrow.

"Puddin'!" Harley squeaked, "I missed ya!"

"Uh yeah…"

"Did you know that if you had an ass like Harvey and we had sex on top of the washing machine while it is on, it would be amazing?"

"Uh… ok then…"

Ivy walked over to Harvey and kneeled down next to him, "Hi…"

Harvey looked at her and sighed.

"Are you ok?"

"No…"

"I'm really sorry…"

Ivy hung her head.

Harvey sighed and wrapped his arm around her, "It's… its ok… I can get it fixed."

"Do you wanna know something that will kill you?"

"Kill me?"

"Yeah. Harley and Jack had sex in every room of our house and didn't clean up, then on New Year's Eve they did it in the back seat of your car."

Harvey stood up slowly and turned around, "You. Had. Sex. In. The. Back. Of. My. Car."

Jack swallowed and grabbed Harley's arm and took off running.

Two-Face snarled, "That is disgusting."

Jonathan frowned, "Ew."

Ivy looked at Harvey, "You ok?"

"We'll be fine later," Two-Face snarled.

Ivy nodded and bit her lip.

Jonathan sighed, "I'm gonna head home before the bloodbath starts."

"Ok. Bye," Ivy muttered.

Harvey looked at his car and sighed. He turned towards the apartment and began walking off. Ivy frowned and patted Jonathan on the back and took off after Harvey.

Ivy walked into the apartment and locked the door.

"Harvey?" her voice echoed, "Hmmm."

She walked down the hallway and into the bedroom. Harvey was lying under the covers with a pillow over his head.

"My poor baby…" Ivy muttered climbing on the bed.

Harvey groaned. Ivy sat on his back and began massaging his upper back. Harvey rolled over and pulled Ivy on top of him.

"You ok?" Ivy asked.

"Yeah."

"Want to have some fun?"

"How so?"

Ivy thought, "I bought some chocolate syrup from the store yesterday with the groceries."

Harvey raised an eyebrow and smiled.

Ivy grinned and walked into the kitchen, "Follow me."

Harvey got up and walked with Ivy into the bathroom.

"The bathroom?" Harvey asked.

"I don't want to get chocolate sauce all over the bed."

Harvey sighed fine.

Ivy grinned, "I'm first."

Harvey shrugged, "I don't mind."

"I know you don't."

"Next time get sprinkles and whipped cream."

"And cherries?"

"Yeah. We could be sundaes."

"Full sundaes?"

"You ever have a full sundae?" Harvey asked.

"Maybe?"

"Sprinkles, cherries, whipped cream, hot fudge, banana..."

"But we don't need a banana. We already have one."

Harvey thought for a second, "You are so messed up."

Ivy giggled and began slipping off her clothes, "You love it."

"Yeah. Right," Harvey laughed opening up the syrup bottle and letting it run down her back, "I like this."

FIN


End file.
